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Monday, April 25, 2011

Losing Control

When I began this weight loss/getting healthy journey over a year and a half ago, I must admit, I did it for purely selfish reasons. Now you may think, "hey losing weight and becoming healthy are admirable goals," or "of course its a selfish thing but its a good selfish thing to want to be healthy." While these things are true, they were not the primary motivating factor in me setting out on this journey.

No, my primary goal was so I could have control over at least one aspect of my life. At that point, and if I'm honest here still, I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. There was nothing I could do about it. That's a scary thing for a control freak like me. It seemed all my best laid plans simply crumbled and fell to the ground. I felt helpless and was slowly losing my hope.

I know that God caused all these things to occur in my life. I know He was trying to get my attention and show me that he has a plan for me that greatly supersedes any plans I make for myself. However, I decided to rebel. I decided that if I couldn't control any other part of my life then I could control my weight. I could control what I put in my body and cause a positive change in my weight and health. It was a stubborn and frustrated Amy saying "Ha!" to God when I felt nothing in my life could be controlled. Little did I know that God would be saying "Ha!" right back at me.

The past few weeks I've been feeling a bit guilty about this weight loss and the determination I've had in this fitness program. I felt guilty not for accomplishing these achievements but for not relying on God to accomplish these things. I placed Him on the back burner while I set off to accomplish my goals.

This fitness program has me getting up early (extremely early some mornings) and going to bed at seemingly ridiculously early bedtimes just to get plenty of rest. If you know anything about me you know I am a night owl and definitely not a morning person. These early mornings to exercise are quite the miracle. On a walk the other day, I was contemplating my guilt over placing God on the back burner of my life and my lack of reliance on him throughout this journey and a thought popped in my head. It's a thought that has continued to haunt me in the days since.

The thought was, "you can get up early to exercise and put all this time and energy into that yet could never get up early to spend time with God." Ouch that hurt. It seems that while God was stripping me of everything I may have placed in front of Him, I was just stacking another wall between us. Not smart.

Recently, I began reading a book called Made to Crave. (If you have ever had issues with food I highly recommend it. It is full of amazing insights on our relationship with food.) As I was reading today, I almost felt God give me a "Ha!" right back. While my "Ha!" was given in a selfish, pouty toddler manner, His "Ha!" came as more of an I got you even though you were avoiding me. His "Ha!" came when I realized I had an addiction to food. Say what? You mean I was almost 250 pounds and had an addiction to food? Astonishing.

The reality is though I was that large, it wasn't as though I binged and constantly ate terrible things. I simply wasn't mindful of what I ate and if I craved it or even simply wanted it I would eat it. I also didn't pay attention to hunger signs. And I was an emotional/bored eater. All things that signed me up for a trip to obese street. The bigger problem here was I had placed food before God. No, it wasn't a conscious choice but it usually isn't.

No one who gets that large can say that food isn't a top priority/issue in their life. It seems in the midst of my rebellion against God for taking away all my seeming control of my life, He used my stubbornness in order to conquer another thing I had placed before Him. At this point all I can do is just laugh, throw my hands in the air and proclaim a surrender. He is far smarter than I can ever hope to be and nothing I do can keep Him from continually rescuing me from myself. I give up. Really that's all He really ever wanted from me in the first place.

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I'd love to hear what you have to say! Otherwise, I feel like I'm talking to a wall, much like I do with my students. :)