A new year has come around once again. It seems every year moves more and more quickly than the last, and with every New Year there is a sense of renewal, almost a do over. It spurs many to make resolutions that often don't make it past the first week. It's a time in which we are hopeful and look forward to what the future may bring.
I admit I am no different in these respects. No, I am not making resolutions that are sure to fail soon after they are made. I am, however, looking expectantly forward and hoping for a brighter future. If you've been reading my blog for any amount of time you will notice (other than the scarcity of my posts this past year) is that the past few years have been difficult for J.R. and I as it seems we slip further and further down. Yet I continue to hope that things will change. (Side note: I'm extremely thankful that I have such a wonderful husband and that our marriage has stayed strong despite our difficulties. It seems as if we hold on to each other as we hold on to hope that things will change for the better. I don't know what I would do without him.)
When I first began this blog over 2 years ago things were quite a bit different for us, yet other things are the same. I was teaching at the time and many of my posts involved amusing or frustrating stories from the classroom.
I am now in the midst of my second year of not being able to teach. Something which has been no small blow to my sense of identity. Something which I continue to deal with on not simply a financial level with the loss of income but on an emotional and mental level with the loss of part of who I believe myself to be. A loss of purpose.
Two years ago J.R. and I were also trying to have children, which was another frequent post topic. J.R. and I are still trying and moving into our fourth year of doing so. However, posting about this topic has waned as I have become more and more dull to the pain. I no longer cry every month as I discover once again that I am not pregnant. I no longer cry as my friends announce their pregnancies (many of which are on number 2 in the time we've been trying for 1).
No, I merely shrug my shoulders and push aside the heaviness that weighs on my heart. A pain that is always creeping at the surface but rarely comes through. Writing these words would have sent me to tears just a year ago, now I am able to pour them out without batting an eye, though my heart is a bit heavier. The reality is more pressing concerns, like our mere survival have taken precedence over the deep longings of my heart.
So a lot has changed and not much has changed. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I feel as though the Lord is stripping me of everything so that He can build me back up into the person he wants me to be, into the person He created me to be. This is just a long and difficult process, a process for which I am in need of a breather from.
However, to the point of this particular post, other than my reminiscent ramblings. A few months ago I decided that my blog was in need of a long overdue change. The title alone was quite misleading. Even though I struggle with that part of my identity I know full well that being a teacher is simply a part of who I am regardless of whether or not I have a classroom in which to teach. Yet, I still feel the need to change.
In the past year or more there has been one word that I have held close to my heart. The Bible is filled with mentions of this one word, 174 times to be exact. It is coincidentally featured in my favorite Bible verse and it has just stuck with me. The word is hope. I have been hoping for so long for so many different things. I have placed my hope in the promises of God. Because of that I know no matter how low I go there is a hope and a future waiting for me because my hope is in the Lord.
So with that I have started a new blog, Faithfully Hoping, which I thought was a more appropriate title for my blog. So if there is anyone out there still reading, you can find me there. Hopefully, this will spur me to write a bit more frequently as I really do want to write more. Time just seems to have slipped past me these past couple of months. Hope to see you over there. Don't mind the mess for now. I'm still working on a few things for it.
So Happy New Year from
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.